The Struggling Well podcast is a conversation between Jimmy and Suzi Kallam. Jimmy and Suzi are co-founders of the ministry Tandem Spirituality whose purpose is to support the church through cultivating healthy relationships in order to impact the kingdom of God.
Well, we're in 2023, a few days into it.
I still can't get it.
I know you're still writing 2020 down on your sometimes.
Sometimes, but that's All right. you know, every time different things, the holiday seasons is one of those kinds of reminds me of growing up and my mom and dad and things that were said is they were trying to raise my brother, my sister, and myself. And one of the things that I can remember my mom saying often were was this statement that was used, sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me. I don't think there's anything more untrue than that statement. My gosh. I mean, beat me with a stick all day long, but you say something that pierces my soul and I will never forget that.
Yeah. And I think the sad part is in a day of where words are plentiful on TV talk shows, on social media, just all over the place. I don't think we give the thought to how powerful they are. Solomon in Proverbs says in Proverbs 18, death and life are in the power of the tongue.
Death and life, those are two very powerful entities. And he's looking at life and as proverbs are, they're truisms. And he's saying, "Generally speaking, this is what I found to be true." Well, death and life and the power of words. it's like we don't understand that our words have lasting impact in people's lives.
Well, just think back to your middle school or in my day it was called junior high and think back. Oh, I don't know. Let's go midway. Let's go seventh grade. Can you remember something that someone said about you in seventh grade, whether it was good or bad, and it still sticks with you today? And sure, I mean, I can.
Yeah, I can. I was tall and I was skinny and you know, I got referred to many times by that character in The Legend of Sleepy Hollow, Ikabad Crane.
Oh, babe.
Yeah, that was hurtful.
We should have been dating in middle school because I was not as tall as you, but I was also skinny, but I had wacky hair and braces. And so there were things that I was referred to as which I'd rather not say on this podcast.
Yeah. But the point is, we can remember those things. Yeah.
And I can't even remember something nice somebody said to me two days ago.
Wouldn't you just die today for somebody to tell you're skinny?
it would be a it would be an illusion, I think. But yes, it would be But our point is that we need to pay closer attention to the words we say to people
and the words we utter that come out of our mouth.
I can remember an illustration which I've used a million times. So if anybody's ever heard me teach, you've heard this, but I think it's a powerful illustration. I'm going to say that the setting was probably in the 1800s, early 1900s. And the story is that a young man had had words with another gentleman and then had shared some information about that gentleman with other people. So he had gossiped about this man and he felt really badly about it and went to his pastor and said, "Pastor, what do I do? I feel so badly about what I said about this man to others." So the pastor said, "I want you to take a bag of feathers and I want you to go to the doorway of every person you shared this gossip with." And so the young man goes and does that, puts a feather in front of every door that he had shared the gossip with and he comes back to the pastor and he says, "Well, what do I do now?" And the pastor says, "Now I want you to go and collect those feathers and you know, see what happens." So the young man goes out, but in the time between him putting the feathers down and when he returns to the pastor, there had been a lot of wind. So all those feathers were flying all over the place and none of them were where he had put them. And the pastor said to him, "It's the feathers are and the wind are like your words. You say them and once they're out, you can never get them back again.
Yeah. Yeah. And so, you know, the Bible's filled with illustrations of the power of words. You know, you go to the New Testament, the book of James, we're told to be, slow to speak and quick to listen because the tongue is likened to the smallest part of the body, but it can set a forest ablaze. I mean, it can set life ablaze. And, we just don't I think pay enough patention to the things I say.
Also in Proverbs, and you were chapter 18, I think
Proverbs 18 67 8 and 9. These are fascinating verses. A fool's lips walk into a fight, and his mouth invites a beating. A fool's mouth is his ruin, and his lips are a snare to his soul. The words of a whisperer are like delicious morsels. They go down into the inner parts of the body. I mean, that's graphic. about what happens with our words.
Yeah. So why are we as careless as we are?
I don't know. I think sometimes we can't get to the core of what we're feeling and we don't want to be v vulnerable enough to tell people what we're feeling. So then we attack with our words. And I think in today's culture, people are scared. They're afraid because the economy is wacky. They're afraid because maybe their particular party influencers are not in power. They're afraid of all the things that are happening in the streets at schools. And so what happens is they begin to just shout out words and phrases that really are masking their fear. And if you could get somebody to say, "Hey, I'm terrified of my child experiencing X, Y, or Z." But instead, we ramp it up. I mean, you just think about when you're on the road and somebody cuts you off. Well, This may be a terrible illustration, but may my core fear there might be that we're going to get in a wreck. But instead, I'm screaming at them and then if I get a look at them and I can make some comment about who they are, what they look like, what kind of car they drive, then I feel like, ah, yeah, I've really said it. And what I've said is I've spewed out foolishness in an effort to cover up what I'm really feeling.
Yeah. And I think that we again it's an easy way as opposed to engag engaging with somebody to find out what's going on in their life. it's much easier to spew out a word that cuts them down and in doing so it makes me feel like I'm the better person like I have been victorious. and it's just we ignore the power of that. But then there's another side. So there's life words and there's death words. I think there's another category I call it shallow words.
Yeah.
We just we spend our day is talking about things that don't matter. again, I don't know all that goes on, but I think there's things that are going on inside the human heart that cause us to go to those kinds of levels to mask over what we're feeling, to mask over what's really going on inside of us to maybe keep people at a distance so we don't have to let them into the inner part of our lives to know what's going on and we feel better about ourselves when we do that.
So, are you saying that when people are together that they throw out what
I think I well I think there's several things. I think sometimes people throw out hooks because they want you to ask them something,
right?
But then I think there are times when we're together that we throw things out that is in essence is we're stiff arming. We're keeping people at a distance and we don't want them to know what's going on inside of us. And so we use our words as a way to mask and to keep people out of our lives.
Like maybe for instance when you see somebody upset, but you go up to them and say, "How are you?" And they say,
"Well, they say, "I'm fine. I'm
fine."
and you let it go.
Yeah.
And you know that's not true. But the words have been used by that person to block you from getting in. But then when I use a word to cut somebody down, to make fun of them, it's to give a sense that I'm superior to them. person.
Do you know where I think it's a problem also is in parenting and in marriage. But let me just go to parenting for a little bit. we've raised three daughters and now they are parents as well. And when I look back on some of the words that I used, I definitely have some regret there. There were things that came out in anger. and I think that it's really important when parents are talking to their kids that they say things that are true. There are times when your kid is just being flat out disrespectful and you have to call it what it is. But often times with parents when we're upset and we the rage of they're not obeying or they're, you know, they're getting in trouble or whatever comes out, it overshadows what we really want to say to them. And I can think back to when I was a kid and I was just a wacky kid as Those of you that know me can only imagine. And there was emotion raging 24/7. I mean, I should have been on the stage. There's so much drama coming out of my little world. But I can remember one day, and I say this, both of my parents are deceased and they don't have a chance to defend themselves. But I remember one particular time in my life when I was just off the hook with drama. And I was probably hysterical and doing all sorts of stuff. But I remember my mom standing at the door of my room and looking at me. me with a straight face and saying to me, "You are crazy and you need to be in an institution." Now, that's a stunning thing to say to a kid, but here I am 100 years old and I still that still has a little bit of a place, a little sting for me.
Well, sure. It was a death word. And I think when we react to somebody out of anger, anger just gives us an open window to what's going on in our soul. And you said this, Earl, earlier and I think it's so true. Anger really is a byproduct often times of the fears that we have.
Yeah.
And so we're afraid that our kids are going to make a choice that's going to be a lifealtering choice, which none of us want that. But rather than dealing with it, we get angry and we say things like what your mom said to you that maybe really was covering up the fear that she had.
but those words become death words in the life of somebody. So you know, as we move into 2023, for me, and I know for both of us, it is a sense in which we don't want to be guilty of spewing out death words, whether it's to people we know and love or even if it is to those people who have a certain level of notoriety and what we would call public figures.
I find myself at times recoiling when I say something when I don't know that person.
Yeah.
But those words, it may never reach his ears or her ears. But those words are death words.
You and I have never said anything ugly to each other, have we?
Well, that would be another whole podcast series I think we could launch. But no story,
you know, unfortunately, we do I mean, I think one of the differences I tell people in marriage, you will fight. You know, young married people don't like to use that word, but you will fight. And learning how to fight well
is in my mind keeping the conversation on the events that have created the tension and have led to the fight as opposed to going after the other person and going after fighting dirty, going after their character. And it's in those situations where we say things about one another that become death words. And so
it's a neverending process because we're always seeking to put down the sin nature that lives within us by allowing the Holy Spirit to take over and be in control of life. life.
Well, I personally am glad that I've never uttered an ugly word towards you in all the years that we've been married. And you're welcome.
And I thank you. And it's a good thing my memory is a short one.
All right. Well, you folks, I hope we'll will think this year about the words you use and how you use them about other people.
Have a great day.
Thanks for joining us. To learn more about the Struggling Well podcast, visit tandemspirituality. com