Well,
welcome back again to another week's podcast of Struggling Well. We're in this little kind of miniseries on struggling well with parenting with our daughter Jackie. And we're back again this week. And I want to begin us by there's not there's places that scripture talks about parenting and kids and the responsibilities not in great detail like a map of how you do it. It's but statements that cause you to think about things. And so in Ephesians chapter 6, Paul says, "Children, obey your parents in the Lord for this is right. Honor your father and mother. This is the first commandment with promise. that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land. But then it's verse four that we don't always get to. Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and the instruction of the Lord. Don't provoke your kids to anger.
and that is was my downfall. I would say Jimmy is very mildmannered.
I know you can't hardly tell this. And I'm like my Spanish blood used to coarse through me at a rapid rate and I would say that where I struggled was I had thoughts about how I wanted the girls to be. And I wanted them to experience what I didn't. So I wanted them to be popular and you know go to the prom and have dates and go to a good college and all these things I wanted them to be. And so I think that when I got exasperated that my response to them probably provoked some heavy emotions in them. And there were times when I mean I wish I could redo that. I really do. I'd be such a good mother the time around. But
well, yeah. And I think both of us came to the point I our upbringings were very different, yours and mine, Suzi. But one of the things that I never heard and my parents, I owe a lot to them, but I never heard my dad ever apologized where he said to me as his son or to my brother or my sister, I was wrong. I need your forgiveness. and I think that's something we both learned how to do with our girls. Jackie you shaking your head. Yes. So, I can still remember apologizing to each of the girls at different times and I remember you doing the same. And I think as parents, we've got to Yes. Their kids are to obey us or to honor us. All those things are true. But we can't project or I hope we don't project a sense that we're perfect. We've got it all together because there are going to be times when we need to say we blew it and we need your forgiveness.
So, Jack, when you think back to those days and you probably see them different than I do. I think as a parent we feel so much guilt all the time. We're not doing enough. We're doing too much. you just mentioned a funny little memory that I had forgotten about. talk a little bit about your birthday.
the year that you
Oh.
forgot my birthday.
Yeah.
hurt deeply. Deeply. I'm still
not that I carry things with me, but
no grudges at all.
It was my 17th birthday. I'm the week before Christmas
and it was very impactful on my life. No, but jokingly, I don't know if this is why, but I think I go overboard for my girls for their birthdays. I don't know that it was pinpointed back to this very thing, but it's funny when you like
Sure. big imprint on your soul. You know, I think there were a lot of things that I pushed you guys to again born out of my own insecurity and things that I did out of guilt and last minute and everything, but what were some of the things, and this I know this is a hard question, but what were some of the things that you think, oh, I wish my parents had done that a little differently, and maybe to keep us from feeling complete despair. Is there are there one or two things that maybe we did that were okay?
Well, there's more than one or two things that you guys did that were okay. I will say that 100% believe that you guys created did a house and a family that definitely was a soft place to land.
I think that my sisters would agree with that. that we I knew that you didn't expect a level of perfection from us. You may have been coming at a different angle and thinking you were putting all of this stuff on us, but I don't know that I felt that I had to be perfect for you. I put that perfection trying to be perfect on myself. myself, but I knew that in whatever life could bring that there was always a soft place to land with you and dad. I think that and I think we maybe mentioned this in the last episode that you guys did a really good job of making Christ the center of our household. and as you guys maybe through your upbringing and then as you grew in the Lord understanding more what God's grace is. I feel like you gave grace to us girls in really profound ways.
can you tell that I'm skirting around saying the things that aren't good?
I've got an incident for you. What did it feel like when you were I think you were a freshman going to school? Not high school, but you were at college and in my haste and anger with you, I packed up all of your clothes in a black trash. bag. How did that feel? Do you remember that? Put him outside.
I sure do. I sure do. and in your parenting, you always did give us a warning like the next time this happens, this is what's going to happen. And again, you followed through on that. I think in that moment, I thought, "Oh my gosh, they were serious about this. They do expect a level of obedience and respect from me." I think I also had the feeling of maybe they don't want me, but it wasn't a sense of like my parents don't want me anymore. It was a my parents are demanding respect and obedience and I'm not giving it to them. I don't I mean goodness that was so long ago. We might have to unpack that a little bit. It
it was probably the worst day of our lives as parents.
Yeah. I mean it was a hard thing and I just remember back to that the that season of life and you were at an age I think you were like 19 at that point and you were like you can't control me all you want to do is control me and that was your word that you used and I kept saying no there are certain things that go with being a part of a family that you have to agree to live with because this is who we are as a family and it was seeing the same event from two very different perspectives that you saw it from one way we saw it from another way and it led to a tough sign time.
Yeah, that's a good way to bring that back is it did feel like you were trying to control me. And I think when you're talking about kids you know it kind of starts in middle school and then as you're going through high school the natural progression is to want more and more freedom and cuz and I can see it now with my oldest like you have freedom of driving a car and then the freedom of you know just you get more freedom as you are going through high school and then put on top of that your parents have rules and structure around what it looks like to live in their house. In a teenager's mind, that definitely comes across as controlling.
Yeah. I can remember saying the example to you at the time I was probably were in our 50s or late 40s and I would say if we were go to visit my parents, your grandparents, and out of respect for them, if I wasn't going to be home for dinner, I would tell my mother Not cuz she was trying to control me, but because it was the respectful thing to do as being part of a family. Hey, we're not going to be don't wait dinner on us or don't wait up on us or whatever it is. And it was just that different perspective that came. So, let's transition to today. How has how have the parenting your mom and I did with you had any impact on how you parent today?
Oh, it's hugely impacted how I've parent today. I think I've probably told both of you at different times like how in the world did you do this? How did you not you know make a hard left? it's different when you're living in it and you know being able to raise a teenager right now gives me insight as to what you guys had to do with raising three at one time. and so a lot of If I look back at to how you guys parented us, I rely on a lot of that into how I parent my girls. and I hope I'm creating a home that feels safe to them and a soft place, one that they can come to. You know, we'll deal with consequences later. Let's, you know, nothing can you can do can outdo my love for you. and giving them grace. having boundaries and respectable boundaries within the house and what it means to be part of a family. yeah. Did that answer
Yeah, I mean I it did and it's not easy because you have a responsibility as a parent and you've been entrusted with these gifts from the Lord to raise them in a manner that reflects who he is, reflects them to understand the need to come to a relationship with Christ so that their identity is in Christ. and yet at the same time, those precious gifts are individually responsible and accountable for the choices they make.
And so as a parent, how do I come in and guide them, help them, see that, stay stick with them, realizing that, you know, I think we've built this false narrative that by the time somebody reaches 18 and graduates high school, they're a fully formed image bearer. Well, they're not. And so to be able to be patient enough to say, "Okay, God is still working here. God is still moving and as I want him to be in my life, too.
And so,
I think maybe what we're going to do here is we're going to close this one out and Jackie is on a time crunch, but I think that, we're going to ask her to come back one more week to talk more about parenting for her and some of And maybe we'll add a little bit as well. Are you okay with that?
I thought I was going to be a regular now.
No,
we have to put you in the budget. Yeah. Oh goodness. would love to.
Okay.
Well, have a great week and thanks for listening and keep parenting on.